Modest proposals

My personal Yankees ticket agent called yesterday to ask how things were going, see if I wanted an upgrade, and welcome any suggestions for improvements I might have.

At least that's what I heard on the voice mail message he left.

Funny coincidence that he left the message the same day the team announced they were boosting prices*. Naturally, my first suggestion would be that they lower the price of tickets - and make parking free.

Realizing that's not going to happen - and that it's very unlikely that the players will visit my section before the game to share a hot dog (tricky with the oxygen mask they'd have to wear up there) - I scaled back my suggestions for improvements. They now include:

- Install a garlic fries stand behind my seats.

- Add a sausage option to the pizza selections. (Bring back the Stromboli and I'll consider the price hike justified.)

- Give Cousin Brewski cans of Murphy's Stout to hawk in the stands.

- Turn one of the upstairs sections into a cigar smoking zone.

- Stop rearranging the traffic flow and parking lots every homestand.

- Go back to a system where you pay before you park, so it's easier to get out. (Given that they're bumping parking prices beyond what I pay for my seat, this probably isn't going to affect me - I'll be walking to the games. And back.)

- Stop blacking out controversial replays - these are exactly the ones we want to see.

Finally, see if you can do something about the obnoxious Red Sox fans who always sit by us. I don't mind it so much when the Yanks are actually playing Boston, especially since the fans are such bad losers, but it's trying when NY is playing KC.

Especially when the Yankees lose.

Which brings me to a suggestion that I'm sure all fans can agree on: Make sure the home team wins when I'm at the Stadium.

*Allegedly because fans were getting huge markups on StubHub. That's a real joke, as anyone who's tried to sell tickets there can attest.